


What I Was Fighting For (Walking on a Thin Line)

by gilligankane



Category: Guiding Light
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-08-30
Updated: 2009-08-30
Packaged: 2017-11-17 09:45:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/550236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gilligankane/pseuds/gilligankane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's a thin line between a lot of things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What I Was Fighting For (Walking on a Thin Line)

There’s a thin line between a lot of things: there’s love and hate; right and wrong; red orange and orange red; genius and insanity; cowardice and heroism.

And now, after almost forty years, Olivia now knows there’s a thin line between  _selfless_  and  _selfish_.

 _Selfless_  is letting Natalia go without a fight.

 _Selfish_  is screaming out  _I love you_  in that graveyard.

 _Selfless_  is standing at the altar and letting Doris poke and prod and just staying silent.

 _Selfish_  is telling Natalia  _there is no us_  when Natalia clearly needs there to be.

She was always too good at seeing the lines and blurring them, so that things worked in her favor: like Gus, like Phillip, like Ava.

She was always too good at doing the wrong thing at the wrong time: like Gus, like Phillip, like Ava.

And now Natalia.

Because  _selfless_  is wanting Natalia to be happy. But  _selfish_  is pushing her to Frank, pushing her to be someone she isn’t.

“Olivia, can you stop, please?” Natalia begs, at least once a day, wringing her hands nervously with wide eyes. She begs because Olivia  _won’t_  stop pushing her away: their conversations becomes shorter and more clipped and they don’t talk about anything that doesn’t have to do with Emma or The Beacon.

 _No_ , she says without really saying it.

Actions speak louder than words and she says  _no_  every time she changes the subject; every time she mentions that Frank stopped by  _again_ and left another message; every time she looks at Natalia and doesn’t kiss her.

“Olivia,” Natalia keeps saying, when begging doesn’t work. She tries to command Olivia to  _stop_ , but Olivia keeps barreling through like a train without brakes; like she’s late for her life and she’s trying to grab the tail end of it.

She tries to tell Natalia, in her silence, that there’s no chance for them to ever be and Natalia should just get going.

 _Selfless_  is making the decision to protect her family from this storm, from  _Frank_ , that’s descending upon them.

 _Selfish_  is leaving Natalia out of that family.

There’s a thin line between too many things in her life: between the good and bad; between the laughter that fades to sobbing; between the right and the wrong.

Natalia can’t be another one of those lines.

“Go marry Frank,” Olivia whispers a final time.

 _Selfless_  is letting Olivia walk away with her dignity in tact, if not her heart.

 _Selfish_  is saying  _no_ ; is stamping her foot and screaming  _no_.

Natalia never knew the difference until now, for all her talk about being a selfless follower of God’s every teaching.

There’s a thin line between too many things in her life: between her son’s happiness and her own; between her opinions and everyone else’s; between needing and wanting.

If being selfish will give her Olivia ( _and if being selfish will give her Natalia_ ) then she knows exactly what side of the line she’ll fall on.


End file.
